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With all the advancements in technology from the time I started this blog, it is so easy to put this into a permanent halt. Having all those things said and done, I knew deep inside, I knew for a feeling and a fact that I would definitely go back to blogging. This has always been my safe place. 

My nook. 

My hiding place. 

My refuge.

My life for the past years offered me a lot. A LOT of new experiences, treading unchartered territories, meeting and knowing people, and all. To this I say I totally regret not being able to blog about it. But, still I am hopeful I can post bits and pieces if anything comes to mind or, if inspiration pays me a visit. Not for publicity, more on posterity, I should say.

Bridging the gap, if my memory serves me well, I have been meandering for quite a long time:

As to career:

April 2014 - Resigned from work, Employer # 1

June 2014 - December 2018 - Went back to school

February 2015 - December 2019 - Worked part-time, Employer # 2

July 2016 - present - Working part-time, Employer # 3 

As to my personal life:

October 31, 2017 - entered in a relationship (1st & last boyfriend)

November 19, 2018 - got engaged

November 30, 2019 - got married

July 9, 2022 - gave birth

Oh, dear Lord! What a journey this has been. Before time runs out, I am deeply hopeful I will be back. To this I say, now, I am back.

Black Before White

Looking back at the past eight months of this year, I am left in awe of how the Lord came to my aid and helped and led me to different breakthroughs of my life. One of those is this silent, long test of waiting, forbearance and resilience. 

"It is just my sincerest prayer that God, 

by His grace will keep my spirit alive and going and fighting. 

Understand defeat but never to embrace surrender."

Yes, that was me, somewhere, sometime when I wrote Something on a Midday. 

True enough, there were 

incalculable defeats, 

inexplicable disappointments and 

insurmountable discouragements. 

To some, I kind of prepared myself but to some, it came by surprise leaving me disoriented and disillusioned. Which way to go then? Just keep on pushing, keep on moving forward. Understand defeat but never embrace surrender.

We did Lord, we did it. :'(

To those times I felt alone on this journey, You were there.

To those times I experienced lack to keep things going, You provided.

To those times I felt I can't give more, You were my strength & made me carry on.

June 18, 2019.

I welcomed this victory in silence and in simplicity. Though this was not a loud celebratory one, I kept and treasured this in my heart quietly and sincerely with the deepest of gratitude to God, my Maker, my Friend, my Constant Companion. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Now that by God's grace I was made to wear Black, in ninety-five days as of typing, I will be wearing White... a simple prayer I uttered last year as I can remember.

2019 indeed is my year of breakthrough. 

Thanks be to God.

A Birthday Post

There's something about my birthday this year that I intend to post because this is by far, different from the previous ones. 

August 9, 2019 marked my 37th year. It appears to be a random number, not quite a milestone in terms of age. But for me, this is a different take.

His Will

I am at the same age now when my mother died. I don't know if you can feel this with me, this paranoia I have thinking if that same fate will happen to me, too. Subtly, I have become fussy to  probable cues, little incidences, and nonsensical coincidences where Earthly Life seems wanting to say goodbye: 

This quote I just read, 
this song I just listened to, 
this consistent paranoia to the signals of my body, 
this consistent urge to anxiously pray each time I travel, etc. 
and the list goes on and on.

It appears hilarious at times but it's something I simply can't explain.

When reality bites, my mother died at a very young age, leaving three daughters 13, 11, and 5 years old. But truth be told, there's nothing out of God's will and sovereignty. Our Mama lived her life in full, and it's her time to go. Reflecting on my current state, this I have in mind: 

What is my reality in this? 
What is the truth I need to hold and live?

In a nutshell, this is what I have: 

It is for God's WILL and purposes I am alive and will be kept alive. 

It's for Him I live and will continue to live.

This Waiting

My 37th year is what I consider one of my momentous birthday. This is the last time I will be celebrating my birthday in a civilly single status. Barely 3 months from now, I will be married. I have come to this point not because this is the ultimate end to waiting. One season is just about to end, welcoming another one. Another waiting is about to start. See, waiting never ends. I put in the Lord's hand whatever this new season will make me. I think I have lived and enjoyed my singleness in fullest swing don't you think? ;)

The related love story deserves a space here, which I need to work on, still. :)

His Word

"As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; 

I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness." 

Psalm 17:15 (NKJV). 

In each waking moment, I desire to live in the likeness of my loving Lord. It's a difficult thing to do but in God's grace I trust, I depend, and I rely. May this year and beyond bring me to greater heights and warmer depth and intimacy with the Almighty.

With this in mind, plus the fact that I will be married soon, I wonder how would my quiet time and devotion be like... with soon living in a shared life, shared space, shared everything. Like how would this spiritual journey and spiritual disciplines be? With this, I trust the God of this journey. Maybe I will just cross the bridge when I get there. :)

So, it's a wrap. Happy 37th birthday to me, by the way. :)

PS I posted a concise one on my Facebook page. I just feel so comforted that I have this nook where I can have it all said. :)

Zechariah Moment (The Story)

Self-composure gave in. I caught myself shedding tears under the sheets at past three o'clock in the morning today.

Hormones? Maybe.
A woman thing? I don't know.

But one thing I do know. A memory revisited me, welling up my eyes to tears.

It was one Tuesday afternoon. It was November 2004.

Me on the phone: "Ate, can you come? I am here in school."

No questions.

She came. I poured out my heart and tears like there's no tomorrow. She listened.

That was all. That was enough.

Thirteen years today, she still is my friend, my mentor. She remained close to my heart. And she will forever be.

That's the kind of people you won't forget. That's the kind of memory that leaves me to tears remembering how someone cared, how someone listened, how someone learned of your lowest and darkest days yet chose to love you even deeper.

---

Ate Elay bought me a mango shake to cool me down after my breakdown. Guess what? The following day, I was left without a voice. Totally. Funny it was but it meant a lot. I took it as God's natural (yet funny) gesture to quiet my fears as I witness His miracle of the moment. And yes, my God did not fail. My God did not disappoint. God showed Himself strong on my behalf. He is building up my faith. 

It was then my Zechariah moment was coined and birthed.

I hope I can get a better sleep tonight. I hope I won't be crying under the sheets again, at least for tonight. But for a Zechariah moment, I welcome you anytime. :)

The Gideon I Didn't Know

Meet Gideon. 

Warrior.
Fearless.
Fierce.
300 men.
Ahu! Ahu! Ahu!


Just when I thought I do really knew Gideon, guess what? I really don't.

Read Judges 6-8

The wide-eyed little child in me was awakened as I read and learned about Gideon on our quiet time coupled with three exposition sessions. Have I not learned it in our staff training, I think I won't be able to hear such rich expositions elsewhere.

Just when I thought Gideon was a fearless man, guess what? He wasn't.

 Gideon behind the scenes was not out in the battlefield. He was somewhere. He was in a winepress. 

I am together with Gideon in his winepress moments. I have built for myself a winepress where I think would be my source of refuge in trying times. I have my fair share in life where I have been in circumstances too fearful to face, too powerful to overcome and too overwhelming to deal with. I have been there. I have done that. I sulk. I hide—way too many times. 

It is by God's grace and purposes life doesn't end at the winepress. God has been patient. It was His initiative to call out to Gideon and encouraged his fearful soul when he said, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

No situation too fearful when the assurance that Someone who is bigger than myself is with me. No knees too feeble knowing that I can go in the strength of the LORD. No mind too restless when the LORD of peace is there.


Just when I thought that Peace is a place, guess what? It isn't.

"So Gideon built an altar to the LORD there and called it The LORD is Peace." (Judges 6:24a)

The LORD is Peace. How I wanted to melt. While it is true that certain places can be associated with peace, the more it has occurred to me that peace is not more of a place but more of a Person.

The place where Gideon built an altar was not where everything was quiet and soothing to the soul. It was in the place where the winepress was. It was in the place where he was fearful and overwhelmed. It was in the place where he was unsure of almost everything. 

To this I see that peace can come even at the worst of places and circumstances. The altar was not a reminder of a place in itself but a reminder of a Person who is Peace Himself.

More can be said how the LORD dealt with Gideon. But nothing was of greater weight to me today than his journey out from the winepress, out to the battlefield, into the victory side—in the assurance, in the peace and in the strength of the LORD.

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Image credits
1 https://alchetron.com/Gideon-2649393-W
2 http://www.biblestudyresources.org/valley-experiences-of-gideon.html
3 J.J. Tissot, "The Angel Puts Fire on the Altar of Gideon" (1896-1900), watercolor.