A Birthday Post

There's something about my birthday this year that I intend to post because this is by far, different from the previous ones. 

August 9, 2019 marked my 37th year. It appears to be a random number, not quite a milestone in terms of age. But for me, this is a different take.

His Will

I am at the same age now when my mother died. I don't know if you can feel this with me, this paranoia I have thinking if that same fate will happen to me, too. Subtly, I have become fussy to  probable cues, little incidences, and nonsensical coincidences where Earthly Life seems wanting to say goodbye: 

This quote I just read, 
this song I just listened to, 
this consistent paranoia to the signals of my body, 
this consistent urge to anxiously pray each time I travel, etc. 
and the list goes on and on.

It appears hilarious at times but it's something I simply can't explain.

When reality bites, my mother died at a very young age, leaving three daughters 13, 11, and 5 years old. But truth be told, there's nothing out of God's will and sovereignty. Our Mama lived her life in full, and it's her time to go. Reflecting on my current state, this I have in mind: 

What is my reality in this? 
What is the truth I need to hold and live?

In a nutshell, this is what I have: 

It is for God's WILL and purposes I am alive and will be kept alive. 

It's for Him I live and will continue to live.

This Waiting

My 37th year is what I consider one of my momentous birthday. This is the last time I will be celebrating my birthday in a civilly single status. Barely 3 months from now, I will be married. I have come to this point not because this is the ultimate end to waiting. One season is just about to end, welcoming another one. Another waiting is about to start. See, waiting never ends. I put in the Lord's hand whatever this new season will make me. I think I have lived and enjoyed my singleness in fullest swing don't you think? ;)

The related love story deserves a space here, which I need to work on, still. :)

His Word

"As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; 

I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness." 

Psalm 17:15 (NKJV). 

In each waking moment, I desire to live in the likeness of my loving Lord. It's a difficult thing to do but in God's grace I trust, I depend, and I rely. May this year and beyond bring me to greater heights and warmer depth and intimacy with the Almighty.

With this in mind, plus the fact that I will be married soon, I wonder how would my quiet time and devotion be like... with soon living in a shared life, shared space, shared everything. Like how would this spiritual journey and spiritual disciplines be? With this, I trust the God of this journey. Maybe I will just cross the bridge when I get there. :)

So, it's a wrap. Happy 37th birthday to me, by the way. :)

PS I posted a concise one on my Facebook page. I just feel so comforted that I have this nook where I can have it all said. :)

Zechariah Moment (The Story)

Self-composure gave in. I caught myself shedding tears under the sheets at past three o'clock in the morning today.

Hormones? Maybe.
A woman thing? I don't know.

But one thing I do know. A memory revisited me, welling up my eyes to tears.

It was one Tuesday afternoon. It was November 2004.

Me on the phone: "Ate, can you come? I am here in school."

No questions.

She came. I poured out my heart and tears like there's no tomorrow. She listened.

That was all. That was enough.

Thirteen years today, she still is my friend, my mentor. She remained close to my heart. And she will forever be.

That's the kind of people you won't forget. That's the kind of memory that leaves me to tears remembering how someone cared, how someone listened, how someone learned of your lowest and darkest days yet chose to love you even deeper.

---

Ate Elay bought me a mango shake to cool me down after my breakdown. Guess what? The following day, I was left without a voice. Totally. Funny it was but it meant a lot. I took it as God's natural (yet funny) gesture to quiet my fears as I witness His miracle of the moment. And yes, my God did not fail. My God did not disappoint. God showed Himself strong on my behalf. He is building up my faith. 

It was then my Zechariah moment was coined and birthed.

I hope I can get a better sleep tonight. I hope I won't be crying under the sheets again, at least for tonight. But for a Zechariah moment, I welcome you anytime. :)

The Gideon I Didn't Know

Meet Gideon. 

Warrior.
Fearless.
Fierce.
300 men.
Ahu! Ahu! Ahu!


Just when I thought I do really knew Gideon, guess what? I really don't.

Read Judges 6-8

The wide-eyed little child in me was awakened as I read and learned about Gideon on our quiet time coupled with three exposition sessions. Have I not learned it in our staff training, I think I won't be able to hear such rich expositions elsewhere.

Just when I thought Gideon was a fearless man, guess what? He wasn't.

 Gideon behind the scenes was not out in the battlefield. He was somewhere. He was in a winepress. 

I am together with Gideon in his winepress moments. I have built for myself a winepress where I think would be my source of refuge in trying times. I have my fair share in life where I have been in circumstances too fearful to face, too powerful to overcome and too overwhelming to deal with. I have been there. I have done that. I sulk. I hide—way too many times. 

It is by God's grace and purposes life doesn't end at the winepress. God has been patient. It was His initiative to call out to Gideon and encouraged his fearful soul when he said, "The LORD is with you, mighty warrior."

No situation too fearful when the assurance that Someone who is bigger than myself is with me. No knees too feeble knowing that I can go in the strength of the LORD. No mind too restless when the LORD of peace is there.


Just when I thought that Peace is a place, guess what? It isn't.

"So Gideon built an altar to the LORD there and called it The LORD is Peace." (Judges 6:24a)

The LORD is Peace. How I wanted to melt. While it is true that certain places can be associated with peace, the more it has occurred to me that peace is not more of a place but more of a Person.

The place where Gideon built an altar was not where everything was quiet and soothing to the soul. It was in the place where the winepress was. It was in the place where he was fearful and overwhelmed. It was in the place where he was unsure of almost everything. 

To this I see that peace can come even at the worst of places and circumstances. The altar was not a reminder of a place in itself but a reminder of a Person who is Peace Himself.

More can be said how the LORD dealt with Gideon. But nothing was of greater weight to me today than his journey out from the winepress, out to the battlefield, into the victory side—in the assurance, in the peace and in the strength of the LORD.

---

Image credits
1 https://alchetron.com/Gideon-2649393-W
2 http://www.biblestudyresources.org/valley-experiences-of-gideon.html
3 J.J. Tissot, "The Angel Puts Fire on the Altar of Gideon" (1896-1900), watercolor. 

If—

I attended a necrological service two days ago. As family members were called to say their tributes and eulogies, this poem was read and has been been resonating in me up until today. If you read on, I hope you will understand why. :)

If— by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you;
 Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
 But make allowance for their doubting too.
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
 Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
 And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
 If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster,
 And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
 Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
 And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make a heap of all your winnings
 And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
 And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
 To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
 Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
 Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
 If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
 With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
 And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

---

"If—" is a poem by British Nobel laureate Rudyard Kipling, written in 1895 and first published in Rewards and Fairies, 1910. It is a tribute to Leander Starr Jameson. The poem is written in the form of paternal advice to the poet's son, John. As poetry, "If—" is a literary example of Victorian-era stoicism.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If%E2%80%94
By Rudyard Kipling - Own work, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2105719

In Doing, I Lost the Being

My blog ceased to be the kind of nook I first dreamed it to be over the longest time. I am hoping that I would be able to catch up again. After all those wasted long months of not blogging, I am aware of my two primary reasons:

+ My camera bought primarily for blogging malfunctioned

+ My netbook primarily bought for the same reason crashed

And repair and/or buying another one is not just my priority as of the moment.

Come on now.

But, I am grateful to be banging the keys again... sitting on someone else's desk, using someone else's computer. ;)

---

If I'd be real honest with myself, I can say that I lost myself over the things I do for the past months. I have become more of a doing than a being. I lost myself doing and looking after the affairs and matters of others, that I ended up losing myself and the Dream entrusted to me so I can be Me. 

I am sad. I am grieving.

I am at most times in the brink of giving up the Dream and carrying on at the same time. I am but dust. I feel exhausted and I wish for Christ's second coming to happen any day soonest (Yes, to that extent).

Much to my regret, I was not able to pull off something that's important to me. Totoo pala na minsan nakakalimutan mo na ang sarili mo sa pag-iintindi sa iba. Akala ko exaggeration lang 'yun. Not until it happened to me. I'm not blaming anyone or anything. This is all on me.

Comfort just comes with the truth that God is my greatest Comforter in my most raw, unpretentious form. I am still accepted in the beloved. I am not forgotten. I just need to grieve over this even in the simplest way I know. 

That was a breather. Thank you for bearing with me if you happened to randomly bumped into this post. 

Note to self: I will be back. Promise.